Though maybe a little uncomfortably vulnerable, it’s good for me to share my heart with you. You’re my people and support, so it just better if you know:) Life is a kind of hard that changes you. Probably forever, but forever isn’t a word that makes sense. So, instead it’s a hard that will change us for the now, if we’re actually brave enough to try to understand what rubs us wrong or makes us uncomfortable while we’re living it.
Lately, I’m finding myself in a place where those that love me will catch me when my screws get loose. So it feels okay to let messy things surface. From this place, I’m seeing myself from a new perspective- one that stems from life simply not going how I expected it to (because as much as I love it- whoa would things look a little different). I’m being smacked in the face with the reality that I’m not in control of what is going to happen. As I dream about creating platforms that enable others to encounter God, I am faced with a reality that my goals are not attainable through my own doing- quite literally. If God doesn’t show up, there is absolutely nothing I can do. And while this perspective began through the ministry I am involved in, you probably know how I am unable to separate this from how I think and live the rest of my life. I want everything I do to stem from a place of experiencing God in the quiet and in the physical. Because of this, my own hopes and dreams and outcomes are no longer limited by what I know I can do, but rather they are limited by my faith in He who carries them out. What I hold closest to my heart in a future family, for true joy, and contentedness, these things don’t actually rest on my shoulders. If God doesn’t show up- I’ve got nothing.
This is scary freedom. This is a huge challenge to not be let down as I do my best to believe God is actually in control. This is a new level of understanding of my own poverty, turning the idea into a reality that I should be able to receive ordinary things as true gifts. It is a real ability to know that I am not entitled, nor do I deserve, a single, solitary thing. Yet in such poverty, coming into alignment with God’s heart, that instead He is choosing to give me undivided attention and indescribable worth. I don’t deserve a thing, but he has decided that I am worth more than the world to Him. While I have realized I have no idea how to let this be true, I’m trying to let Him show me. To change my belief of self reliance to attain perfection in each area of life and check it off my list. Letting Him lead is better, bigger, more profound. My own poor self can no longer define what I think my value should be, but I get to learn to accept this truth that He gets to decide, that He has already decided. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
|ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Abby Phillips is the Program Architect of Poetice International.